Black Friday: Caveman Hell and Caveman Heaven

In America Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving and is considered the first day of Christmas shopping for the season.

In recent years, folks have begun shopping live and on the Internet long before this particular day.

I survived Caveman Hell and enjoyed Caveman Heaven this year.

Caveman Hell. Sears (not the tools section) and Macy's. Also every store that doesn't sell tools or electronics on Black Friday. Every real caveman I spotted in these stores on this day looked as dazed and confused as I did. We are out of nature when we are shopping on this day and with our cavewomen. We have no answers when confronted with "How do you think this will look on Aunt Martha?"

I entered Caveman Hell at about 6:30 a.m. Granted this was later in the day then some cavemen were dragged into hell by their wives. Retailers should be particularly happy this year if Cavemen like myself, who have successfully remained far from hell on this day, finally relented to the yearly prodding or our cavebaby creators and were dragged into hell.

Caveman Heaven. Comp U.S.A. Sears tools area. I could also include Fry's Electronics and just about any other computer store that opened before the sun rose. The deals for real cavemen at stores of this type are wonderful. I saw joyous cavemen with their shopping carts full of H.D. Televisions. Smiles were plentiful as cavemen raced towards the discounted laptops and accessories. Strolling through the ridiculously crowded "toy store" that is the Sears tool department was very pleasurable to each and ever caveman that quested for that specially priced tools.

Caveman Hell is also the mall spaces between the stores. On this particular day you will see more blank stares from males than anywhere else in the world. Normally we can't stand malls and make every attempt to avoid them. Black Friday forces many of us to suck them up and try to look interested as we nudge our way past all the other cavemen who are trying to get through this very trying time.

Caveman Heaven is also shopping on the Internet. It certainly not the heaven we enjoy when we are clamoring for the bargain electronics at the store, but it is so much better than actually being out in public. It is also preferably to us to have our Cavewomen shop online and show us what we think she needs or wants. I like the Email hints my wife sends me so I don't screw up her wishes. If we leave the sizing up to our wives, we cant get in so much trouble if they tell us what size to buy, and then buy it online. Naturally, even though we buy the size they want, they always get mad at us for buying something "too small."

While shopping in Heaven today, I picked out, and my wife bought me Flight Simulator X and a new joystick with a throttle. I also got a 7-port USB 2 hub. Jealous? I am just so happy I could burst. Not only did I get the newest caveman must-have, but I got a new joystick to use. What a perfect world. I had been holding out and considering that with the new simulator I would be spending even less time in conversation with my wife. I almost felt guilty telling her I wanted Flight Simulator X. Those feelings lasted about 100 microseconds. Just think men, my wife willingly bought me something that will keep me from having to deal with her emotions and stories even more! Could life get any better?

So for me, going through a few hours of hell with my wife afforded me the opportunity to visit heaven and receive some of the greatest presents any caveman could ask for. I saw in the lowered eyes and stooped shoulders of many cavemen trudging through the mall and I came out a winner, after all.

I hope those poor souls who schlepped along the malls with their wives and kids are awarded with a piece of Caveman Heaven they so rightly deserve. Their sacrifice just one day after the turkey imposed nap is a wonderful demonstration of how devoted they are to their families. Their rugged struggles to keep their wives and children happy are testaments to the strength and endurance of all cavemen. Their keen sense of value in visiting Caveman Heaven shops and stores provides encouragement that cavemen are not wussies on Black Friday.

Cavemen, continue to shop until your fingers fall off. Make sure that every trip shopping between now and Christmas includes at least one stop to an electronics store or any place that sells tools or hardware. Please write clearly when you give your wife a list of what you are supposed to buy for others. Don't be too stingy with the wallet this season. The more you try to save, the more shopping YOU will be required to do. Don't worry, Play Station III will still be produced. And now the most important news of all.....Kmart sells Craftsman Tools!